Our opening day was on Saturday for the team that I work for. We had a sold out stadium and while it was crazy and stressful and hectic and exhausting, it was also SUPER exciting and fun. However, I woke up this morning with a total adrenaline let down from the weekend.
I feel like I’m hungover even though I haven’t had a drop to drink in months.
I woke up late and I fell asleep last night with no forethought to my wardrobe for the day, so I had to throw on whatever was clean and didn’t need ironing, I’m not happy about my choice.
Not to mention the fact that I fell asleep with wet hair and now it refuses to be tamed. In addition to this, I made the mistake of weighing myself before I walked out the door. So in my mind, I am as big as a house.
My daughter was sick this morning.
My son slammed his finger in the door on our way out to the car.
I felt guilty for forcing them to school anyway.
My ex husband tells me he is taking a job 3 hours away.
So my heart was hurting a little bit for my kids and the fact that they are used to being with their dad quite a bit since he only lives about 20 minutes from us now.
I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself too because it was nice to have him around to help me out with them when I needed him, even if it’s just him taking them so I can have a night away.
Honestly, I’m feeling like breaking down right now.
Technically if I were to be totally honest I would say that I am throwing a full on 2 year old temper tantrum on the inside.
I know this all seems so petty. Reading back through it I realize that in the grand scheme of things, none of this stuff will matter in the not so distant future but it has gotten me thinking about other things in my life that mean more.
Truth be told, there are a lot of days that I am no where near being happy.
I pretend to be a lot.
I stay busy to keep it all at bay; covered up in activities.
I could actually win an Oscar for the performance I give on a daily basis. Pretending to be happy. Pretending to have it all together. Pretending to be all grown up on the outside when I’m having the above mentioned 2 year old temper tantrum on the inside.
Pretending I have a plan.
WAIT! THAT’S IT! A PLAN!!!
It seems so simple. But now that I think about it, I have never really had a game plan for my life. I am so busy planning everyone else’s life and keeping track of them; I never have really sat down and planned things out for myself. I’m always just flying by the seat of my pants hoping that things will eventually fall into place. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t, but they never will if I don’t plan for them properly.
I spend a lot of time living in the “someday”. Someday when my kids are grown… Someday when I have more money… Someday when I have more time… I’m tired of living for someday and I will never get out of that until I have a plan for how I’m going to get to where I want to be.
When I’m preparing for a match, my coach and I will sit down and work out a game plan.
What our ultimate goal is (in this case winning) and how we are going to get there.
We sit down and work out every possible scenario and what my answer would be in any situation.
Not to mention all the training and dieting and running and weight lifting and mental readiness that goes into every competition I enter. Every bite of food I take and every second of sleep I get is planned in the days before a match.
It’s all part of the plan.
Why haven’t I ever done this for my life? ME! The ultimate planner! I don’t even like not knowing what I am going to have for lunch everyday much less not knowing where my life is leading. I plan the details of my children’s lives right down to their socks everyday. I plan everything for my boss and my team. Yet I have never taken the time to do so for myself.
I have so many dreams and desires that will never be fulfilled if I don’t make a plan to get there.
I’m not so different from so many other women out there or anyone who is usually the more responsible person in a group. We get caught up in doing for others and forget about what we need for ourselves.
Sometimes it seems like even the weight of our good dreams can be more crushing than our nightmares. Nightmares we can try to forget. Nightmares are not what we want to be.
Good dreams are scary because they are our deepest desires and we know there will be sacrifices to achieve them. You can’t ignore your heart for long. What’s in there claws and scratches its way to the surface and will make you miserable until you give in. I think that’s where I am right now.
So, my first step is to make a list of what I want most.
Secondly, I am going to try to take small steps everyday to make them happen.
Some of those steps might be painful. But I’m not afraid of pain.
I’ve learned to embrace it. I don’t like it, but I learn from it.
I’ve also learned this.
Most things worth having will scare the crap out of you and make you second guess yourself and make you sacrifice something. Whatever your dreams are, career, love, art, music, anything great costs you something. You can’t have anything great in this life without taking a risk.
Thanks for reading.
Peace and Love,