Ok here goes, AHEM…
Someone told me last night that he loved reading my writing because it’s so honest. Of course it is. I am honest about everything I write and I let the masses in to a part of me that would otherwise go unnoticed.
However, I never really dig that deep into myself for the things that I have published. It’s all kind of superficial. It is all material that doesn’t embarrass me or won’t cause a stink if anyone I cared about read it. Is it near and dear to my heart? Sure. But it’s never that deep to me. I’m glad it helps other people but now, it’s time to get real.
So hold on for a few minutes while I bare my soul on things that no one… and I mean no one… knows about me. Honestly.
I think it will help if I maybe start out with something light and easy.
I have a huge soft spot for Elton John’s greatest hits. No one knows that about me because I am a rock and roll chic to my very core but come on, everyone loves Elton John. He is amazing and always relevant no matter how old he gets. Somehow I have always been embarrassed to admit that to anyone so there it is, silly as it sounds, I love him.
I also like almost all rock music from the 60’s and 70’s… but then again, who doesn’t?
Ok, step 2 something a little heavier.
I use fighting to cover up for some things in my life that I don’t know how to handle. I have convinced myself that it’s my therapy. Sometimes I wonder though… maybe it’s just a cover up. I’m very angry about so many things that I can’t control. And no matter how hard I try to achieve the things I want most in my life, things that come so easy to most people, I get kicked in the head repeatedly. So, I in turn, kick other people in the head and somehow it makes me feel better. Not to mention, when you are training and fighting you cannot think about anything else that is going on in your life. You can only think about what is going on in that moment. I can go home exhausted and fall straight to sleep instead of lying awake crying all night long and praying for God to take things away from me, or to fix things for me.
Plus the migraines are far more controllable now than they used to be.
This is not to say that I don’t still spend a few nights crying and I don’t still have my days of yelling at God like an angry, petulant, rebellious teenage daughter. I definitely do. But I think they are fewer and farther between than they used to be.
Step 3 getting a little heavier:
Competitions scare the crap out of me. Even though I pretend like they don’t.
Here are the inner thoughts I have screaming in my head in the weeks, days, and minutes before every match:
“I don’t know who that girl is, but I bet she is better than me.”
“My next competition is supposed to be in Austin and I’m thinking I shouldn’t even go, because I don’t want people to go all that way and spend all that money when I might lose and disappoint them. They say they aren’t disappointed, but I know they are.”
“I always blow things.”
“I’m not an athlete.”
“I’m not coordinated.”
“I’m not strong.”
“I’m not good at this. I should just quit and save myself the embarrassment.”
“I look ridiculous.”
It is a sheer act of will to keep myself standing up on the mat to face my opponent. I don’t know how to fix what is broken in my brain but I mentally defeat myself before I ever step onto the mat.
Something is definitely broken in my brain maybe even my soul.
Ok, now I am about to jump into the deep end off the high dive so prepare yourself for this.
It terrifies me to reveal this about myself but I am going to do it anyway.
Some people know that I used to have an eating disorder. All part of the self loathing that I feel on the inside.
I was killing myself in small amounts.
Doing excessive cardio.
Whatever I could do to burn calories and fat at any cost.
I have had it under control for the past 5 years, but lately I can feel those feelings and thoughts creeping up again. I’m not really sure what has spurred it. But I know that I look at myself and I don’t see what everyone else sees. I see myself as lumpy and bumpy and not as pretty as anyone else.
The good thing is, I can recognize this in myself. I know that it’s wrong. And don’t worry; I am seeking therapy for it. But it always nags at the corner of my brain. Yes I eat. Healthy mind you, but I do eat regularly. And no I don’t purge. But the seed of those thoughts are in my head all the time and I constantly have to fight it.
Maybe I always will have to fight it.
Like an alcoholic that always has to fight the urge to drink.
As I am writing this, I am in tears, because I know where these urges will lead me if they go unchecked.
In the past, it lead to a suicide attempt because I never felt right about me. After a series of awful life events in combination with the eating disorder, I felt rejected by everyone. I felt ugly. I felt like I didn’t belong to anyone or anywhere. I know that none of these things are true. But knowing it in your head is not the same as feeling it in your heart and that’s where I am trying to be. I want to be ok with me. And not just always pretend to be ok with me. I’m tired of lying to myself.
I know that I am on the right track to being healthy. Now I just have to stay there.
So, now you all probably think that I am big train wreck of a mess, but you know what? At least I am honest about it. I’m embracing my flaws and I am doing what it takes to make things right.
And you know what else?
I’m no stranger to the fight.
That which does not kill me, better start running.
Thanks for reading.
Peace and Love,