I’ve never felt very comfortable with mediocrity. To some people this may come across as being conceited, but trust me, in my heart of hearts I am not conceited at all. As a matter of fact, I have a pretty low self image because I’m what you call a perfectionist.
I constantly compare the behind the scenes footage of my life to everyone else’s highlight reel. So I push myself extremely hard in all things.
Sounds like a good quality to have right? Always pushing to be the best? Well sure, it has its ups. But trust me; it also has its downs. I push myself to failure and then I spend extraordinary amounts of time kicking myself for it. I push myself to sickness. I train so hard that I push myself to injury. I push people out of my life. I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold anyone else to. I refuse to accept anything but the best from myself and if I have to do everything for everyone so that I know that everything is perfect, then so be it.
I’ve had lots of counseling. Lots and lots of counseling and they all say the same thing: I have control issues.
Well thank you Captain Obvious. I’m so glad I paid thousands of dollars for that.
There are many reasons behind this that I’m not going to get into right now, but it is definitely something that I have to work on.
Refusing to be average has cost me so much: Time with my kids and other people that I love, my health, sleep, relationships, self worth.
It also tends to rob me of a lot of joy and causes me mounds of frustration.
There are good sides to it though.
I work really hard. My kids are taken care of. I excel at many things and I learn to do a variety of things that I never would be able to do otherwise. People know they can count on me. I win a lot. Actually, I refuse to lose. I learn quickly. I push myself to be better and do better and work harder. I’ve always felt like people can do far more than they ever imagined if they push themselves past their comfort zones. But most of us are content with being average, content with living in obscurity.
I’ve always felt like I wanted to do something that mattered. Something that people would remember me by. That’s why I’ve always pushed myself past what I thought was possible.
It wasn’t until recently that I started seeing what it was costing me.
It’s really quite an enigma to live your life this way, because as the old saying goes, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans”. So here I am trying to make everything perfect and then something comes along and messes it all up and I have to start over again.
It makes you good at juggling, but it also makes you a constant ball of frustration.
So from now on, I’m going to try to work harder on embracing the good parts of refusing to be average but also trying to balance it with reality. Because truth be told, I really never ever want to be considered average or mediocre at anything in any way. And sometimes when you push yourself past what you think you’re capable of, you will be amazed at what can happen.
But I’m also grateful for all of the unexpected twists and turns my life has taken throughout the years. I’d like very much to embrace all the good things that happen to me when it seems I’ve failed. Because as it turns out, none of my failures have ever been fatal and the only time I’ve really ever learned anything is through my mistakes.
I’m happy with where I have ended up even though I fought it every step of the way.
I guess God knows best after all.