By Venus Robertson – Sundown United // Seoul
It is part of my job as a coach to sometimes offer “tough love” in the form of carefully placed “wedgies” or reminders that may not at once seem obvious to the person experiencing whatever they are experiencing. Other times it has come to my attention that often, people just can’t hear what you have to say – even if it is a Golden Ticket for them outta the muck. In those instances I have (mostly) trained myself to shut the mouth and zip up that bag of Meaning Well and leave it to the silent type love that also honors what that person is choosing.
Just because I claimed to be able to see their inevitable trajectory into a dark place, if that person needs to go there – then who am I to try and light up every supposedly shadowy corner of their mind space? What if it turns out to be exactly what the doctor ordered? To trip into that space, to tumble into the dark – to fall from their own grace?
You see, despite all of our lofty and high intentions for our loved ones, sometimes the best thing to do is absolutely nada.
What if there was a greater reason for what seemed on the surface: chaotic, dismal or desperate?
What if the person seemingly in the clutches of this invisible life-draining monster were in fact more powerful than the projection of victim you now temporarily bought into about them? Or that every single choice up until this moment was a collaboration of other choices to lead them (possibly, if THEY choose) to a greater awareness of themselves?
I will use one of my very own prior TV drama-esque relationships as a perfectly horrid and yet beautiful example of the crap turning out to be instead a steaming mass of self-enlightenment…
This individual couldn’t have been any more of a textbook “wrong” for me, than he was.
It was quite epic really. That I could manage to somehow summon all the precisely opposite aspects to what I know works for me, all in the skin of one man. In this way, I suppose it is somewhat of a creation victory. Exactly-No-Good. Perfectly-Un-Matched. Righteously-Not-Right.
If I were to write a list of all the things that I honor in a relationship and a person (which I DID find myself doing later on down the track and which then formed a lot of my own coaching processes – funny that!) I would find my pen hovering beside none of these to check them off as present in that case of a relationship. Why carry on, you might ask? If such fundamental aspects such as truth, respect and communication were violently absent? Why return home time and time again to the place of such apparent abusiveness and deep rooted dissatisfaction?
At the time I had almost convinced myself that I must be going mental. Finally – despite all the self-help obsessions and thousands of dollars sunk into lectures, audio courses and various other retreats and release methods – I was heading for a Big Fat FAIL. A Nice Hard Fall. I just must be! What was it all good for if I were in such a shitty place in relationship?
At one particularly low point, I decided if I was going to check out of this life that I better at least say a few last words to those nearest and dearest. So I set about writing factual, heartfelt and informative letters to the said list of closest friends and family. I sealed, stamped and addressed each one of them and started to make my way around the city to find the ultimate last jump kick off where I could woo myself out of the nightmare of this life and relationship. It had to be better than the person I saw myself as, which was a far cry from anything I remembered being. In fact, I couldn’t even see myself anymore. If that makes any sense at all.
I actually remember smugly grinning in those moments at how organized I was being. Even over my own supposedly imminent suicide. There were things that would have to be taken care of – my dog, my accounts, my mother would be in hysterics (of course – even my carefully worded letter that swore her off absolutely any responsibility for my life choices), plus I’d have to outline directions for my sorry excuse of a boyfriend who would have to pack up my stuff and perhaps even be questioned for his behavior in having any role in my choices to do what I did blah and blah and blah.
As I wrapped up the last of these letters and sourced out what I deemed as a suitable and convincingly dramatic enough launch pad for my eject from life – I stood there, pile of letters in hand and promptly starting laughing out loud. Way to apply my event management skills in a novel way, eh? Cool, I remember thinking – no big fucking deal. Death is also a choice. Not the most courageous one – but one nevertheless. As was my choice to be in the not-so-soul-elevating company of him for x amount of years. As was my choice to return time and again to the dragons den and to whimper, licking my wounds in numb surprise when I allowed myself to be burned.
Had I fallen deep enough down the rabbit hole to warrant getting the hell up? Like UP and OUT of that reality? Not UP and OVER the edge of that shiny gold building by the river?
Well – taking a step outside of it all I do recall asking the kind of questions that I am now extremely grateful for. The kind that hold such power as to start to bring you precisely the awareness that your Higher Self is precisely looking for, by asking them in the first place…
For what reason is this occurring?
How did I create this?
What is right about me that I am not getting here?
What do I do with this? Can I change it?
What would be in my highest and best good?
What am I pretending not to know or denying that I know?
What resistance am I choosing here?
What became overly obvious was that this steadily amassing mess was in fact a reflection of the inner auto-responder that had been running the show in the background with all its bells and whistles since I was young enough to cut and paste from those around me who were supposed to Have It Together.
I say it very casually NOW.
Now I know that whatever is coming up is coming up to come out.
That those around us reflect what is in us and perhaps what wants to be purged from us.
It hasn’t always been this way. Knowing these Truths.
I mean, technically on some level, we all know that we know. It’s just sometimes you gotta bump your head or call in a lightning bolt to frazzle you backing into a knowing state.
Not only did I have to face demons, brave bullshit, call myself out hardcore and repetitively – but I also had to be willing to do one huge thing before coming to this rather large aha moment: and that was to Fall.
Had I not fallen from that perch where denial coated conveniently and tinted pinkish my viewfinder, I may not have taken those glasses off, may not have chosen to question deeper and know with more conviction what rings truly true for me in love and/or in relationship to another. I may never have made that list of rights and honored the real fire that is smoldering with divine love inside of me. I may not have cleared the path well enough to attract the man of my dreams (which I didn’t even know was possible). I may never have stepped up to the service plate in a real way had I not fallen face first into that beautiful everything.
Now it has become part of my life’s work to contribute to bringing light to the relationships of those here on the planet – or at least within my circle first. This is something I would have been in fits of laughter had you told me I would be doing just a handful of years later. ME? Helping OTHERS with RELATIONSHIP? Gotta be kidding right? Turns out, I have enough experience in “The Field Of F’Ups” to furnish several lifetimes and caring enough to offer those who do show up, a different option than the path of crap which I had so diligently treaded.
So after it all, I am glad I didn’t listen to their all well intended advice.
I WAS meant to take this path.
I can honestly say NOW, that I am glad I fell and found my spiritual feet in a way I didn’t know was available to me.
Now my life blooms with possibility and holds (in each interaction with other brave souls/clients) the very tangible satisfaction of working at changing the density of those relationship programs AND writing a new script with them to enjoy relationship. Instead of falling into Victim status or some sort of peculiar trance, I can now be of some sort of service. You may know about these two states by your own experience. I wouldn’t trade places with anyone. (ok, maybe that’s not true – but you get my point) 🙂
So in my case the trip to The Bottom was necessary to gain what I did along the way.
Sometimes we do need to Fall to Find Our True Way.
**** That being said: If you have been lookin’ for love in all the wrong places or are someone who would like to undo the tangle of your past relationships and start to become the kind of person who is open and ready for something that is better than you have ever dreamed – I am offering Sundown United readers a special chance to take part in the Rewrite Your Relationship Blueprint Sessions. If you have been wondering how to undo the automatic responders of drama and trauma in Relationship and Reset to something more suitable for the awesome lover and partner that I have no doubt you likely are, email: “SundownForLove” in the title line of an email to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will respond to you within 48hours with the gory details.
Maybe it’s not YOUR path to fall, after all?
Big Ups to Love!